Inter-mission: Moving from fear to hope during Advent

At the halfway mark of my chemotherapy treatment course I find myself in the middle of Advent. I have a lot of time on my hands during this December which is so busy for most people. My mind is going but my body is not. I think about the Advent theme of waiting. My body is waiting . . . for the next chemo, for the treatment to do what it is supposed to do, for the after-effects to be gone. My mind is waiting . . . for test results, for clarity about what this inter-mission means in the larger context of my life. My spirit is waiting . . . for a return of energy, for enlightenment, for a resurgence of hope.

I think about two different ways that I wait. The first is to wait in fear. It is easy to go to the dark side while waiting in these December Advent days. Short on light and long on cold, the early morning hours are most prone to anxious waiting. Will I be able to have the next treatment on time? What if this cold turns into pneumonia because my immune system is suppressed? I have so many things I need to do but the most I can manage is eating and sleeping! Fear bordering on panic.